Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
