He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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