just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
