Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
