I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
