Pappa wants mamma naked
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
