Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
