so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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