once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
