i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
