Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
