I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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