Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
