I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
