either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
