So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Randomize
