I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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