So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
