Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
