cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
