he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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