K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
