Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
