Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
