Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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