Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I wish I only lived at night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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