doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
