dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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