At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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