Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The beer is more important than you right now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
