So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm too high and old for this...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
