no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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