Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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