my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
