Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize