Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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