the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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