I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
