He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
