So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
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just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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