party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
