He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
