have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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