...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
