I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize