can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
