The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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