Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
