Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
