Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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