is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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