I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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