Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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