I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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