you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Text me some of your sweat
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize