My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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