my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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