I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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