Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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